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Painting of The United Conservative Party


Jason Kenney, having heard of my UCP fan art, commissioned me to make a painting that evokes the values of the party. As the province hurtles toward a future of being the crappiest country in North America, he felt some proto-nationalist mythmaking was in order. Kenney imbedded me with his Trudeau funded team of million dollar sycophants and fellow MLAs for a week to help me capture “the true spirit of the UCP”


The governing process is a lot more dynamic than I expected. As a far-left Albertan (I would sacrifice my firstborn to get a pipeline built, but would sacrifice my subsequent children on a case by case basis) the womb of my echo chamber led me to smugly expect a mockable cavalcade of buffoonery. I was instead treated to an impressive discipline that ran from Kenney all the way down to the lowliest staffer (an unpaid leather gimp intern named Estragon). There was zero deviation from their vigorous weekly schedule, which was as follows:




8:00AM-12:00PM Stand in a circle and jack each other off while waiting for the economy to come back


12:00PM-12:30PM Lunch


12:30PM-4:30PM Resume standing in a circle and jacking each other off while waiting for the economy to come back



As a lazy insolent artist I was unused to such hard work. I must admit that before I even made it through the first day, I wanted to quit. “I don’t think standing in a circle and jacking each other off is working, just now Ovintiv cut 650 jobs. Maybe we should think abou-”


“SHUT UP AND KEEP JACKING ME OFF” screamed Kenney. His lips were glistening, cherub cheeks a frustrated crimson. In this moment I truly saw Kenney for the first time. I imbibed that tangy waft of brilliance and work ethic he possesses that allows him to do the impossible, such as win a conservative majority in Alberta. Kenney the perfectionist, the strategist, the big tent conservative. Impressed, I got a grip and got right back to work.


On the fourth day of endless fapping I developed a painful case of carpal tunnel syndrome. Luckily Tyler Shandro was able to connect me with a special someone who could arrange some treatment for a super reasonable fee.


 “It happens, sport” finance minister Travis Toews assured me “it took me years of jacking off and waiting for the economy to come back to achieve the calloused, jizzy mitts that I now call my hands.”


His hands, they were so worn. Dick veins had carved plunging fault lines into his palms. “It’s not even the jacking off, the hardest part is the waiting.” There was a quiver in his voice, a rare peep from the hopelessness we endlessly try to jack away. His eyes were shimmering with unwelcome tears


It was the hardest week of my life. I think if doctors, nurses, students, teachers, campers, college athletes, professors, energy sector workers, children, farmers, the employed, the unemployed, rural Albertans, urban Albertans, parents, or the foothills knew how much work the UCP put into standing in a circle jacking each other off and waiting for the economy to come back, they wouldn’t be so quick to judge.


That weekend, I finished the painting. I was equal parts exhausted and proud. When I showed it to Kenney he was overjoyed. “I love how the howling grimaces spiral from an unblinking locus of incompetence!” he gushed. “And there I am at the top, like a cherry on a sundae, or a thick layer of poo smeared across a slice of different, other poo!”


You can see Shandro’s li’l face, like a tiny smirk carved into a peanut shell by a witch’s finger. There’s Doug Schweitzer to the left hanging like a rotten apple off of Kenney’s booby. Adriana LaGrange is clutching the collective frown of the provincial children. The horse Jason Nixon allegedly murdered is splayed across the top as a warning to other horses that ever might thinking about giving him the side-eye.


The only reason Kenney never actually purchased this painting is because none of the above ever happened, which makes it all the more unbelievable. That being said, it’s only a matter of time before he wants it, and this is YOUR chance to profit off of the legendary bad investments the province is famous for.

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