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Statue of Donald Trump

This is a craven image of Donald Trump made from ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ALL AMERICAN AGED CHEDDER. Trump is one of two geriatric molesters the world’s greatest democracy has the pleasure of selecting as their president on Tuesday November 3rd. As Alberta continues its quest to be America’s 51st state, either spiritually or literally, use the orange glow of this bust to illuminate the futures laid before us.


Trump won in an upset four years ago on a social-media friendly platform of dogwhistle racism as American as extrajudicial drone strikes and children in cages. Tomorrow, the entire world will be watching with queasy schadenfreude to see if lightning (paramilitary groups disappearing protestors) strikes twice. What we do know this time around is that for Trump to lose, Joe Biden  will have to win over an entire nation of famously skeptical Russian bots.


Joe Biden’s ace in the hole is that he is marginally less evil than the petroleum-based cheese golem that pivoted a role in The Apprentice into the presidency in America’s greatest spinoff since Frasier. (In an alternate timeline “Joey” got the viewership and accolades it deserved, the Apprentice tanked, and “happy, safe, and healthy” is our response when president Tribbiani asks how we doin’).   


Since March, American grace and selflessness has been on proud display as the nation’s citizens unite and die by the hundreds of thousands so its most vulnerable multibillion dollar corporations can continue to thrive and also not pay taxes. But Trump hasn’t been without his failings. Endemic bureaucratic disorganization contributed to the failure of a run of the mill neo-imperialist coup in Bolivia, something past presidencies executed with the cooperation and ease of murdering Epstein in his cell. This failure makes obtaining lithium to power the hive brain of Elon Musk’s self-driving murdercars all the more difficult. Will Silicon Valley technocultists be less likely to feed stolen reams of data to the algorithms that supply the endless sugary trough of violence and misinformation that has replaced public discourse and supplanted democracy? No.


The election arrives like a spooky Halloween hangover. After Tuesday, this hand carved cheese bust will either be the molding relic of a strange era, or a creamy delicious talisman of fealty to the President for Life. The fate of America hangs in the balance, and in the end, Putin will decide.


$100 000 firm. No tire kickers.

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