Who will Buy Jason Kenney’s Curdled Piss Milkshake
This is the original hand painted first page of the iconic children’s book Who will Buy Jason Kenney’s Curdled Piss Milkshake
There’s not a single Albertan born after 2014 that doesn’t remember this book from their childhood. It became a schoolhouse staple after education curriculums were revamped to turf modern science in favour of an even more modern Albertan hopelessness.
The ten page book follows a toddler named Jason Kenney bestowed with a steady gaze of unironic self-indulgent martyrdom and a curdled piss milkshake. He treks through a host of notable figures, bygone eras, and anthropomorphized economic concepts as he tries to find any buyer for the curdled piss milkshake he clutches. All the while he slurps his tangy bevvy and muses in verse about the tantalizing yellow gradient what dances ‘pon his tongue.
The book, published shortly after the Lethbridge Energy Riots of 2020, was regarded as the nihilistic centerfold to a provincial playbook of dangerous and unsustainable desire. The children’s book was notable in that it garnered international attention.
“There is a reason, like an inversion of its very own rat patrol, Alberta has been cordoned off by the rest of the world and turned into a living history museum of early 20th century single resource capitalist dogma. The province’s acceptance and celebration of this book is frankly disgusting” raved the London Review of Books.
Other reviews were less favourable.
“Skemmle frunk pepulundant, pabbler Trudeau hep snelp felpter wecum-tam rabblebush runtay funtay duntay. Poblewiffn’t hexa jimbo Wexit plemo dukk fwaga we saddy” mewled a sad looking Gandalf at the Boot Scootin’ Boogie Dance Hall
Of course, the “I love you to the moon and back” moment of the book comes at the end when, as wee Jason Kenney wishes goodnight to the waxing silver frown in the sky, he tops up the milkshake with another hard earned day’s worth of spicy hot curdled piss. The next morning he sets out again: Ottawa, Houston, the year 2015. Nothing will slow our protagonist in his Sisyphean pursuit. Now THAT's working for Alberta!
An historical footnote indicates that the piss comes out curdled as a result of the press conference organized by the Canadian Energy Centre where he chugged an imperial pint of premium oil sands tailings to prove that those ducks couldn’t possibly have died back in 2008. They were just resting their eyes.
Shmanyways, historians note the release of the book as the start of what was initially viewed as the confounding Albertan tradition of drinking a frothy cup of our own urine every October 28th, the day Jason Kenney won leadership of the UCP by paying a semi-autonomous flesh golem named Jeff Callaway to torpedo his primary opponent and ensure Alberta’s future as a backwoods despotic regime.
This horrible thing is giving me nightmares, please take it off my hands. Also, it’s 5ft x 4ft, so I hope you have some extra room in your taxidermy hall or whatever. Make me an offer