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Remember when Covid was just the flu and you could raw dog the wet ventilation of WEM with your naked mouth? The return of those days is closer than you think!


Hang up this portrait of ST JULIANA OF NICOMEDIA, THE PATRON SAINT OF SICKNESS, and turn your illegally dangerous gathering into a dangerously legal church service! St. Juliana was beheaded in the year 304 by that virtue signaling curly haired cuck, Holy Roman Emperor Maximian. Now in the year 2020 the exact same thing is happening to you. YES YOU. Provincial Mask Mandate? More like PROVINCIAL de-MASK-ulanization of MAN. DATE me again Clara please take me back oh my god


Anyway, the fact that my ruby read lips and feather soft mustache are my best assets aside, if people needed masks to survive, WE WOULD HAVE BEEN BORN WITH THEM. Or at the very least, WE WOULD HAVE BEEN BORN with a SENSE OF EMPATHY. CHECKMATE, LIBS.


With this portrait your entire social calendar will be restored as government sanctioned superspreader events. Watching the 1990 Oilers cup run for the fourth time with your six buds named Kevin in the ol’ man cave? CHURCH. Truck nut bedazzling party? CHURCH. Having a meltdown in front of your adult children after you fuck up cutting the Christmas turkey and then storming off to eat alone in the garage and listen 97.3 K-Rock while you uncontrollably shake and sputter like a rouge tea kettle when Crosby, Still, Nash, and Young’s ‘Helpless’ plays as you shit your jeans in the extreme effort not to shed even a single tear? BABY, YOU BETTER BELIEVE THAT’S CHURCH


20x25 acrylic on canvas

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