THE GIFT SHOP IS ON AN INDEFINITE HIATUS. ALL ORIGINALS ARE $100 OFF UNTIL OCTOBER 3. OH WOW! MUCH DEAL
Painting of Jason Kenney DEFINITELY NOT FUNDED BY THE WAR ROOM
This painting of Jason Kenney was DEFINITELY NOT commissioned and paid for by the “Canadian Energy Centre” AKA the “War Room” AKA “onlyfans.com/pipelineslutz4oil”
After announcing a hot, greasy $900 000 cash injection along with the recently formed $6 million ‘Invest Alberta’ Kenney had this to say: “I do expect that in the weeks and months to come, the CEC (Canadian Energy Centre) will go back to Plan A, which was to launch a number of large advertising campaigns that explain … the importance of oil and gas to Canadian jobs and prosperity”. If anything will save us, it’s a number of large advertising campaigns!
The best original content the Canadian Energy Centre has produced to date is accusing the New York Times of anti-Semitism. So I’ve decided to, in the midst of the second generational economic crisis of my generation, pull myself up by my thong straps Borat-style and help get Alberta back to work!
I present to the Canadian Energy Centre, free of charge, the blighted centaur straight from the lizard brain of the provincial psyche! Go back to plan A and just plagiarize things you’ve found in the internet. Imagine this affecting depiction of Jason Kenney, truck-bodied and horse-dicked, emblazoned with snappy headlines like:
“We’ll give you hundreds of millions, if not fucking BILLIONs in tax breaks and won’t say shit when you lay off 2000 people!”
“Change Your Name, Move Your Headquarters to America, and Fire 650 Workers.”
or better yet, streamline it all into
“Alberta: ~Come Fuck Us~”
It’s as blessed in brevity as it is terrifying in realness. Plus, you’ll get to spend your savings on avocado toast and prime rib dinners. The sheeple of the golden west won’t even be able to FOIP that shit like they did for the chumps on the safe injection site panel because you’re considered a private corporation for some goddamn reason.
I know what you’re thinking. What makes me fit to ghostwrite content for the shills of dying industry? Well, my frequently banned ads do more than enough to keep at least one Kijiji moderator employed. The ABLefGiftShop has single handedly created more jobs than the entirety of the craven cesspool of UCP MLAs and their million-dollar army of flying monkeys that grifted their way into legislature in 2019.
While the image and headlines are sure to be stolen, this is YOUR chance to own the physical ‘objet d’art’. It’s 18x24, OIL pastel on paper. Act now and make the final sound investment of your life before your pension is stolen and handed over to the milky eyed stewards of fiscal hemorrhaging at AIMCo so they may subsidize yet another corporation’s pivot from this curs’d land.