PORTRAIT OF NHL COMMISSIONER GARY BETTMAN, MAYOR OF HUB CITY
This is a portrait of GARY BETTMAN, commissioner of the NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE and newly minted mayor of HUB CITY. HUB CITY is a DYSTOPIAN WONDERNLAND, A CITY INSIDE A CITY of LANYARDS, SECURITY CHECKPOINTS, and FOURTEEN RESTAURANTS. Where CO-OPTED INFRASTRUCTURE GUARANTEES the SAFETY AND WELL BEING of the MOST IMPORTANT members of SOCIETY. Teachers? NO. Frontline workers? NO. Foreign millionaires and the people that serve them? YOU FUCKIN’ BET.
Maybe you live OUTSIDE THE BUBBLE but would LOVE TO GET IN, if only to FEEL MCDAVID’S STEELY GAZE WASH OVER YOU and feel that RARE WOBBLE IN YOUR COCKLES you haven’t felt since SEVENTH GRADE. Maybe you’re thinking about sending your kids to a private school because YOU’RE A RICH PIECE OF SHIT and feel UNSURE about VOLUNTEERING YOUR SPAWN to the UCP’s RECKLESS and DANGEROUS back to school non-plan that’s sole purpose is to create jobs in the province’s CHILD COFFIN MANUFACTURING SECTOR? Why not have it all? Sell your house! Buy this painting! Barter your way into Hub City and a better tomorrow! Get an inside look at a FUNCTIONAL SOCIETY guided by SOUND MEDICAL REGULATION and GOVERNMENT SUPPORT. Then, look out over the OPAQUE WALL THAT SEPARATES US and PUKE IN DISGUST at the COVID RIDDEN MASSES that gather in a gravel parking lot to GET DRUNK, BREATHE ON EACH OTHER, and WATCH THE OILERS LOSE.
Maybe you’re a PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE and you want to SPRUCE UP the SECOND RATE HOTEL ROOM in which you’ve been FORCIBLY INTERRED. Purchase this STERN REMINDER to keep you motivated while you perform FEATS OF DEFT ATHLETICISM in a HOLLOWED MAUSOLEUM that was PAID FOR by HUB CITY’S OUTER RIM SERFS (don’t worry, they’re not allowed in, yuck, oh ew).
Maybe you’re BETTMAN himself! What an honour to meet you liege! This painting would look great above your head as you BULLY GUTLESS POLITICIANS into SURRENDERING MORE RESOURCES to your MID PANDEMIC CORPORATE CITY STATE. Plus, look at the size of your dick! What a cannon! Very impressive! Thankfully, you have access to a MASSIVE RESERVOIR of OUT OF WORK CITIZENS with ZERO SUPPORT that you can EMPLOY TO WASH YOUR SUBSTANTIAL GLANS when it GRAZES THE FOAMY OUTER LAYER OF A URINAL CAKE. BUY THIS PAINTING.
30”x40”, acrylic on canvas