Jason Kenney Feeding Alberta’s Money into a Grabby Little Dumpster Fire

The dumpster is tinged with that sun baked snowbird’s lobster tone and wears the grimace of 1000 failures. It is the embodiment of the UCPs overarching fiscal policy and is in constant pain. Its very existence is a cruelty, yet Kenney continues to slide his clammy hands into our pockets to feed the wretch an unsustainable diet of grifted nickels. It is in a bottomless state of living death. In many ways just like One by Metallica, except instead of Kirk Hammett’s blistering guitar solos we get Kenney’s nasal whine that does whatever the opposite of ASMR is. (starts to the base of your spine, makes you shit yourself)

 

Kenney, reclining atop us huddled ‘bertans in Sky Palace repose, is weeping over president elect Joe Biden’s intention to cancel his beloved Keystone XL pipeline. Was it foolish to gamble $1.5 billion on a pipeline that has been in limbo for thirteen years? What about the extra billions in guaranteed credit? Should all this money have been crammed into a flaming pile of garbage? Yes.

 

This pipeline is XL baby. It’s so big regular condoms, like, can’t even fit on it. We went all in. We got the Canadian Energy Centre, AKA The War Room AKA 30 Million Dollar Baby to lie to chefs and flirt (if not full on tongue kiss in the stairwell) with climate denial. We got an accountant named Steve Allan with an office in Calgary and a house in Palm Springs to investigate the foreign funded smear campaign that has somehow managed to make Alberta look like a bunch of petulant, corrupt hicks. This sends a strong message to allies and enemies alike: “if you don’t do as we say, we’re going to pay a googly eyed skeleton three million dollars to make baseless accusations of international sabotage”. UCP MLAs even pitched in, spending the last four years campaigning for and nurturing close ties with the Republican establishment that tried to murder Joe Biden two Wednesdays ago. but still Why he refuse 2 lsiten 2 our demandS?

 

Anyway, scored by the grey funeral dirge of another loss, we Albertans will pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and soldier on. Since corporations pay taxes on a purely voluntary basis in Alberta, the UCP’s future gambles will be bankrolled by the newly acquired Alberta Teachers’ Retirement Fund. They recently succeeded in literally stealing it and handing it over to AIMCo, a government owned flailing investment firm that lost 2.1 billion this year. This fresh, hot, wet, cash injection means we can burn away billions in the fuel of fantasy for years to come. I see a future in DVDs, steam powered automobiles, and an escalator to nowhere.

 

Biden, meanwhile, will find himself on our honourable premier’s shit list alongside Notley, Trudeau, the elderly, and the beady eyed li’l demon Kenney looks at in the bathroom mirror every morning.

 

3ft x 3ft, acrylic on canvas.

1/18/2020

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