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Doug Ford Chugging Buck-a-Beer and Squeezing an Acrid Black Juice from his Noxious Teet

Doug Ford, baby! Here he is chugging buck-a-beer and squeezing an acrid black juice from his noxious teet with pricked pincerlike fingers. He’s enmeshed in a dull covid rainbow, awash in an aerosol wave, catching the sun’s rays like a prism as it crashes.

 

Hang this up this work of fine art and bask in the garish brutality of the Man of the People who gave police power to arrest the shit out of anyone unlucky enough to be caught between their jobs at the uranium mine and the Amazon fulfillment centre.

 

Art appreciators will be quick to ask “what sour milk is dripping from his pinched middleleft nipple?”. Then, while you’re describing the no-nutrient low-protein gruel that trickles down to the masses in an austerity economy through the parable of the Human Centipede, you’ll discover these alleged “art appreciators” have left your house, puked in your daffodils, and blocked you on Instagram

 

His gross fingers are barely rendered, wispy and shrimplike. Perfectly suited to operating the eight year old Blackberry we just found out is the extent of his technological aptitude. Will Doug’s revelatory access to modern technology propel Ontario into a renaissance of humanity using newfangled ideas like “science” and its much less fuckable sibling “data”? No. His already ‘hands-off’ approach will only get ‘handsy-offier’ after he finds out about Pornhub.  

 

Here in ‘berta we love a good folksy rivalry. Edmonton Oilers and Calgary Flames, forever locked in a battle to see which team can leach the most public money to their billionaire owners. Mundare Sausage vs. the Vegreville Egg, in a pornographic contest of oversized symbolic fertility. And now, the bone chilling neck and neck race between Kenney and Ford over which premier is the absolute fucking worst. Not to toot our horn, but while Ford is giving it his all (none), our guy is against $10/day childcare. To beat that, old Doug will have finally make real the human centipede he keeps talking about. This will happen sooner than later. The carbon copy beady lifelessness of Kenney’s and Ford’s hollow eyes indicate a deep abiding philosophical, if not physical, quantum entanglement.

 

Anyhow, yes. The painting. 12 square feet of pure terror.

4/22/2021

3ftx4ft

acrylic on canvas