chris champion.jpg

GET TO KNOW A PIECE OF SHIT: CHRIS CHAMPION

This is a painting of Chris Champion, former advisor to Jason Kenney (2007 – 2015, back when Kenney was a placenta drenched spore clinging to one of Harper’s multitudinous knobby and sallow nipples) and current visionary bureaucrat for the UCP. Chris Champion’s new gig is as one of eight henchmen in charge of undoing half a decade’s work on the K-12 school curriculum review. It started almost ten years ago by the Progressive Conservatives and was continued by the NDP, but the UCP want a brand new revision of their own that removes “political bias”. Typically, the word “henchpeople” would be more accurate, but not in this case, given that all eight appointed advisors are men. Nothing says No Bias like eight dudes. Picture the Backstreet Boys, except there’s eight of them and they’re all sublimely unfuckable.  

 

Chris Champion will be heading up the social studies review for Kindergarten (German for Children Garden) to Grade 4, and is most notably a piece of shit for calling the inclusion of First Nations perspective in curriculum a “fad”. His justification is that over 10 000 years of history and cultures can’t possibly compare to that time some guy named Vern “Dry Hole” Hunter* found oil on a farm 70 years ago and having two okay hockey teams in the eighties. I can’t wait to teach the Children Garden about Dry Hole.

 

Those that are sounding the alarm bells about having an evil fucking moron in charge of revising the social studies curriculum are being told that Chris will not be writing it, merely providing expertise and guidance. The following statement:

 

“Rest easy knowing that this is a simple example of lazy conservative nepotism. We regularly hand off inconsequential high paying bullshit jobs to old friends, like what happened with Alberta’s honourary Uncle Skeleton, Steve Allan. It’s not like he’ll actually do anything.”

 

did not need to be issued by the government because greedy incompetence as praxis is as Albertan as giving our lifted trucks two balls but no dick, and giving the town of Mundare a curved roadside dick but no balls.

 

This painting is the clearest look you’ll ever get of Chris Champion. All other photographs are grainy and out of focus due to the heavy amount of photo manipulation required to obscure the fact that his head is attached to his neck upside down, he has perpetually bleeding eyeballs, and his feet weirdly hang above his head with unblinking eyeballs nestled in their arches. Owning the only known high definition depiction of Chris Champion will come in handy in five to six years from now. The province will be launching an inquiry into why its youngest generation is composed of ignorant dipshits. Kenney (now appointed as the Supreme Figurehead For Life of the Consolidated Western Petrogarchy of Corporate Welfare) will be looking for a scapegoat and Chris Champion will take the fall and be exiled to the Edmonton NHL Hub City where he will toil in a Tim Hortons frying hot dough for millionaires until his skin sloughs off like melting snow from a slanted tin roof.

 

It is 24x30, mixed media on canvas, and sure to garner rave reviews from guests and post-apocalyptic oil police such as "oh wow, what the fuck" and "I'm super worried"

 

*Actually true

August 24, 2020